Fear of the Unknown Keeps you Stuck in Toxic Relationships and ‘Protects’ you From Healing

Fear of the Unknown Keeps you Stuck in Toxic Relationships and ‘Protects’ you From Healing fear of the unknown keeps you stuck in toxic relationships and ‘protects’ you from healing
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One of the greatest fears you will have in life is fear of the unknown especially when you’re unhealed. You will be having this fear of doing something new and your mind will feed you with countless evidence of why you shouldn’t do it. The most logical to do in life if you’re say sitting on fire is to get up because it’s hurting you but when you get used to it, it will feel like the most comfortable place for you to be.

One thing about the mind is it feels safe and secure in predictable environments. Actually, when life is predictable, we experience less stress and anxiety as compared to when we don’t know what to expect. That’s why it’s completely understandable to feel afraid of the unknown and to feel stuck in an abusive relationship or even in your healing journey. It can be difficult to take the leap and make a change, especially when you’re not sure what the future holds.


Fear of the unknown is what keeps you stuck in a toxic relationship because you’re fearful of what to expect once you leave the relationship. You’re deeply unhappy and you clearly know it’s not going to work but this fear is crippling you and feeding you with worst-case scenarios of the terrible things that will happen in your life if you leave.

This can be something like ending up alone, falling for another toxic partner, going broke, isolation and many other terrible things. Your abusive partner will have also watered those fears with their constant threats of ruining your life if you leave or that you’ll never find someone else. So, the mind is feeling a bit of stability staying in that abusive relationship.

The mind already knows their abusive ways and it’s becomes very predictable to the point that it offers some sense of safety and assurance. You know they will call you names, lie to you, gaslight you, cheat on you, intimidate you and do all those terrible things to you. So, the mind clings to the fact that at least it knows this and it can live with it as it has lived with it for the past 10, 20 or 30 years.

The familiarity of the abuse and staying looks like an easy thing to do than maneuvering a world full of monsters and scary angels. It can be daunting and overwhelming to think about the work you have to do or the things you have to face once you leave the relationship. The mind is so used to this familiar environment to the point it doesn’t let you see the endless safe possibilities of freedom and even support you will get once you leave the relationship.

The mind will also provide you with bits of evidence from the past of your traumatic childhood and your strings of unhealthy relationships. It will reinforce this fear by telling you that even if you leave, you will still end up in the same cycle as you’ve had in the past.


So, it’s better to hold onto this known, this abusive partner who you now fully know than face a disappointing world which you don’t even know of or which will give you other terrible circumstances. This stops you from even thinking about life and what lies beyond the abusive relationship.

Once you leave the relationship, this fear of the unknown is the same same fear that will stop you from seeking help to resolve those inner ‘demons’ or to process your unhealed wounds. You might think to yourself that you’ve moved on now you’re out of the relationship and you’ve overcome your fears but then you find yourself getting constantly triggered.

You have changed the environment (relationship) but you’re still carrying the same mindset, the same container. You’re afraid of moving to the next steps of dealing with those problems on an inner level because you feel that they’ve become part of you. In a twisted kind of a way, the mind feels safe with the emotional pain, the anxieties, the panic attacks or those other negative waves of emotions because those are the things that feel familiar to it. It’s never known peace, contentment, calmness and even healthy relationships, they are the unknown and very ‘scary.’

The mind will prefer walking that path of familiarity as it guarantees some level of safety and it even has great experience of handling them. It will prefer that path of blaming your ex or all those hurt people from the past who’ve hurt you because it doesn’t want you to move from this pain. It doesn’t want you to take full responsibility of your life and delve into the world of unknown and healing which will lead to inner peace, something you don’t even know what it looks or feels like.

When all your life, you’ve been used to surviving and coping with life, you may have seen pain and more pain in all your relationships so when you’re told that it’s possible to process all those things from the past, the mind will find justifications to keep you stuck in the painful world of the known.

The common words the mind will feed you with are something like, “Let me concentrate on my work now, I don’t need healing”, “I don’t have time in my schedule for therapy or for this program”, “I am such a mess, I will never really heal”, “Let me just continue studying about narcs, I am not ready to face those inner ‘demons.’” So, your mind takes you back and keeps you stuck with what it knows, it just knows pain and to the mind peace and even the thought of it is quite scary.

The greatest deterrent to your healing is your mind which is so used to pain to the point that it can see a life with less stress, less anxiety, freedom or inner peace as a place of fear. A life where you’re responsible for yourself, a life where you take full control of your life without letting outer circumstances define you, a life where you don’t see the need of labels, a life where you’re not anchored in the past and you’re just a free bird (sounds scary right?)

Your mind here means all those negative beliefs you have developed about yourself because of your past experiences. Those beliefs of “you’ll never be good enough”, “you’re too broken”, “someone like you can never really heal” or just anything belief which really fights to keep you stuck in the familiar and safe environment of misery and pain.

Consciously, you want to be happy, to be at peace and not to experience this pain any much longer but your subconscious mind is like, “Well, you don’t know really what’s out there. Let me pull you back in here because at least you know what to expect.”

That’s why at times you really have to jump into that therapy or that healing program without really putting it into too much thought because your thoughts are already distorted. You will think once you’ve committed to healing or once you’re progressing in your healing journey. You will think once you’ve quieted some of your negative beliefs.

You’re not that broken, you mind and your past experiences are just feeding you with lies because those are the things they’ve known ever since you were a kid. Heal to jump into the world of the unknown, the unknown world of bliss, happiness and freedom. The fact that you’re reading this shows that you really want it and there is still some part inside you that has tasted a glimpse of that joy.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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