Dating After Abuse: How Do You Stop Seeing Your Toxic Ex in Your New Partner?

Dating After Abuse: How Do You Stop Seeing Your Toxic Ex in Your New Partner? dating after abuse: how do you stop seeing your toxic ex in your new partner?
Photo by Tibor Pápai on Unsplash

Today I’ll be answering the question of how do you stop seeing your ex in your current partner. This is a very interesting question. Let’s say you find yourself in a new relationship after leaving an abusive one. You’re four months into the relationship, and this new partner is treating you well, very kind. It’s just something that you feel is so nice. They’re not calling you names; they are very different from that other abusive partner. But in some way, there’s still that bothering aspect. When they sit down with you and you look into their eyes, instead of looking at them, you are looking at your ex. So, what is the implication of that, and how do you stop that?

You are looking at your ex because, you are still seeing from the lens of the past. So, if I see someone in the present from the lens of the past, which is from the lens of my ex or from the lens which used to see my ex, I’ll still see the person in front of me as my ex because the lens is still living in the past. You are still living in the past in your mind — your beliefs, your emotions, your thinking, your thoughts, all those things — they are still coming out from the past. So, when you see them, you are seeing your ex because you are still living in the past. Your mind interprets them as your ex because they are interpreted through these lenses, figuratively, of course.

You are seeing them, but you’re not actually seeing them for who they are in the present moment. You are seeing them, and then it reminds you of your ex because deep inside, you’ve not moved on from the past relationship. Yes, you are in a new relationship, but being in a new relationship with a new partner doesn’t mean that you’ve moved on. In fact, the best indicator that you’ve not moved on is when your past ex, physically or non-physically, still affects the way you live your life now. That is when you’ll know you’ve not moved on — when the past is still controlling everything of your present moment. It’s controlling your thoughts, desires, movement, actions, circumstances. All those things — that is not moving on.

So, you will keep looking at your new, healthy partner as the same person as your ex because you are the same person who left the relationship. Or you are the same person who was in the relationship, so you are the one who has not changed. And it doesn’t matter if you look for another partner, if you look for 10 partners, 20 partners, as long as you have not cleaned your lenses, you’ll always interpret present circumstances through the eyes of the past, through the painful eyes of your past experiences.

To really look at your present partner for who they are, to appreciate how they are taking care of you, to appreciate their love, their care, their imperfect side, their weaknesses, you have to clean your lens. You have to work on letting go of the past painful experiences. You have to work on letting go of those traumas from your past relationships. Without that, you’re not really having any kind of relationship. You are just there physically in a relationship, but emotionally, you are in a past relationship. So, you may also end up hurting the other partner. Of course, you may end up hurting them because you are not trusting them enough. Yeah, they are doing everything; they have not even cheated on you. They have not even called you anything; they treat you well. But you are not accepting that; you are rejecting it because you are still in the past.

So, work on dealing with the pain, process those emotions, work on that inner belief system. Once you work on the inner belief system, you get to the point where the past doesn’t limit how you view your life presently. The past doesn’t affect how you see people. So, you start seeing people for who they are, not for who you are. One last thing is we do see people from who we are, which is from our distorted inner belief system or from our dirty lens, without seeing them for who they are.

In conclusion, it is really hard to try to force a relationship when you’ve not dealt or when you’re not dealing with your deep stuff. It will lack the deep aspects of intimacy because you think you’re there but you’re not really there, you’re still so glued to the past.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

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Edwin Bii
Edwin Bii

I'm Edwin Bii, a trained advanced conversational hypnotherapist (ACH) and Mind Shifting Coach from Kenya offering mental health support, and life coaching to help you crush your goalsand overcome your problems. Together, we'll navigate challenges, build self-awareness, and create a happier, healthier you. Let's unlock your potential.

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